The detective is a mysterious person. This is ironic, if you think about it, because they are investigating mysteries while being mysterious themselves. I imagine they lead very exciting and somewhat dangerous lives. I mean, they aren't just a tool tracker (although that would be interesting, too. It could actually, be really interesting. They get a call from some random person who has lost their chainsaw and needs to know where it went so that they can chop down the dead tree in their backyard. The detective could search all the neighbor's houses, trying to find the lost item. Yes, yes, to be a tool tracker could be quite fun.)
But back to the real detective. I think the part where you find families and put them back together could be nice, but if you were just tracking a cheating spouse, that could be rough. I mean, come on. I'm all about families. I guess families need to have their problems brought out into the open in order to heal, but really, I don't think that I would want to be the woman who has to hear from a detective that her husband has been lying to her. I wouldn't want to be that detective, either.
I'll be a tool tracker instead.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The world traveler
I'm back. And I'm back to my stereotypical evaluation of the female gender. Isn't this fun?
There is a type of girl that everyone is jealous of. We so want to be her. She is cool and sleek and fun. She is the world traveler. You know the girl: yesterday she was in Rome, Italy. Tomorrow she will cruise Galapagos. She has seen it all, from one side of the world to the next. She will regal you with stories of her travels to India, Australia, and England. She will tell you how much fun she had on the Galapagos yacht last time and what a hoot Marcello was as they crossed the Atlantic together. She is "fun" personified.
We still don't know how she gets all her money for her travels. Sometimes, we know, she works in the various foreign countries that she is living in. She will teach English or work in an orphanage. She has all the connections to be able to get wherever she wants to go. She is super woman.
We long to be like her. To have her connections and to be able to flit from here to there. We want to just pack up all our belongings and move away. Someday, perhaps. Someday.
There is a type of girl that everyone is jealous of. We so want to be her. She is cool and sleek and fun. She is the world traveler. You know the girl: yesterday she was in Rome, Italy. Tomorrow she will cruise Galapagos. She has seen it all, from one side of the world to the next. She will regal you with stories of her travels to India, Australia, and England. She will tell you how much fun she had on the Galapagos yacht last time and what a hoot Marcello was as they crossed the Atlantic together. She is "fun" personified.
We still don't know how she gets all her money for her travels. Sometimes, we know, she works in the various foreign countries that she is living in. She will teach English or work in an orphanage. She has all the connections to be able to get wherever she wants to go. She is super woman.
We long to be like her. To have her connections and to be able to flit from here to there. We want to just pack up all our belongings and move away. Someday, perhaps. Someday.
I am not
Once upon a time, I was not a lawyer. I did not go to law school and I did not take a lot of tests. I know nothing about the juris doctorate program and I have no idea why someone would issue a subpoena. I have never been to a deposition and I do not know how to file for bankruptcy. I have never passed the California bar exam and I have never used a California bar exam tutor. I am not a lawyer.
I am also not a doctor. I have never been to medical school and I don't really know the difference between a Medical Doctor (MD) and a doctor of osteopathy (DO). I have no idea what the difference is between interns and residents. I really don't know why someone would want to work at a hospital for thirty straight hours. Of course, working anywhere for thirty straight hours seems crazy to me.
I like music. I sing. I used to play the piano and the guitar, but now I don't because I don't seem to have enough hours in my day. I like to cook and bake and play games. I love being with my family.
I am definitely not a California bar exam tutor.
I am also not a doctor. I have never been to medical school and I don't really know the difference between a Medical Doctor (MD) and a doctor of osteopathy (DO). I have no idea what the difference is between interns and residents. I really don't know why someone would want to work at a hospital for thirty straight hours. Of course, working anywhere for thirty straight hours seems crazy to me.
I like music. I sing. I used to play the piano and the guitar, but now I don't because I don't seem to have enough hours in my day. I like to cook and bake and play games. I love being with my family.
I am definitely not a California bar exam tutor.
A tutor
Let's take a little breather from my stereotypical analysis of the female gender to discuss something very exciting. I know that you will love my analysis of this. It is a very exciting and highly relevant topic. It is: the bar exam.
My brother recently graduated from law school. This was a momentous occasion for my family, as he is the first of my siblings to get his doctorate. Yes, by graduating from law school, he earned his juris doctorate degree. But there is a catch. Just graduating from law school does not mean that you get to practice law. No, it's a slightly more complicated than that.
You have to pass the dreaded bar exam. Each state has their own, and you can only practice law in the states where you have passed the bar exam. For example, if I wanted to practice law in California, I would have to take the California bar exam. If I wanted to practice in New Jersey, I would have to take their bar exam. That's the way it goes.
The bar is really hard though, so some people get tutors. The California bar exam tutor would help you pass the California bar. I think I would definitely need a tutor.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Artist
One of the most misunderstood girls in the school, next to the Emo girl, is the Artist. She's the one that will become an art major in college, only to discover that it won't ever pay her bills. She will either continue to be a starving artist, or she will change her course forever and go into web design in Abu Dhabi and make billions.
But to be a starving artist, she must first become completely misunderstood. All great artists are completely misunderstood. No one will understand them until after their deaths, which, if they are lucky, will be suicides, because only that will prove that they were completely understood. Think about it. No one really appreciated Van Gogh until he was long gone. Poor Vincent. And no one took Felix Mendelssohn seriously because they felt that during his posh lifestyle he hadn't suffered enough to have the raw emotions necessary to create decent music. I guess his genius was also misunderstood, but in the opposite direction. Poor Felix. We love him now. We love them both now.
So, Artist girl, you have two choices: become a starving artist in some big city and live a tormented life now, only to become revered later, or you can be completely understood now and make millions doing web design in Abu Dhabi.
But to be a starving artist, she must first become completely misunderstood. All great artists are completely misunderstood. No one will understand them until after their deaths, which, if they are lucky, will be suicides, because only that will prove that they were completely understood. Think about it. No one really appreciated Van Gogh until he was long gone. Poor Vincent. And no one took Felix Mendelssohn seriously because they felt that during his posh lifestyle he hadn't suffered enough to have the raw emotions necessary to create decent music. I guess his genius was also misunderstood, but in the opposite direction. Poor Felix. We love him now. We love them both now.
So, Artist girl, you have two choices: become a starving artist in some big city and live a tormented life now, only to become revered later, or you can be completely understood now and make millions doing web design in Abu Dhabi.
The Foreign Exchange Student
Every year, there is one girl that came to our school from half way around the world. Like Fez on that 70's Show, we don't really know where she came from, we just know that the plane ride over must have been a beast. We know nothing of her life before she came to our school, she could have done web design in Abu Dhabi or been an electrician in Germany. We just don't know.
We talk to her all the time, but for some reason nothing she says ever sticks in our brains. It's as if our minds can't comprehend the words because her exotic accent has gotten in the way. She could have told us that she was the fifth of six children being raised by the king of Moldova and all we would have heard was, "I am amazing. All your boyfriends will fall for me, then I will travel back around the world to my home where I will marry my true love, breaking forever all your boyfriends' hearts and ruining them forever. MuHAHAHAHAH!"
Yep, that's what we hear. So we will forever hate you, the Abu Dhabi web design girl.
We talk to her all the time, but for some reason nothing she says ever sticks in our brains. It's as if our minds can't comprehend the words because her exotic accent has gotten in the way. She could have told us that she was the fifth of six children being raised by the king of Moldova and all we would have heard was, "I am amazing. All your boyfriends will fall for me, then I will travel back around the world to my home where I will marry my true love, breaking forever all your boyfriends' hearts and ruining them forever. MuHAHAHAHAH!"
Yep, that's what we hear. So we will forever hate you, the Abu Dhabi web design girl.
Athletic Girl
This next one is a girl we all know. Some of us love her, some of us hate her. She tall, thin and always has the best tan. But it's not because she goes to a tanning bed. No, she doesn't need to. She's out in the actual sun so much that her skin has, very naturally, turned a lovely shade of brown. She is the athletic girl.
She plays soccer, softball, runs track and plays volleyball. She gets phone calls from boys almost every night of the week, but it's not because they want to treat her to a sundae. It's because they need a fifth for their basketball game and want to know if she's in. In the Summer, you can find her on the lake. She would be happy to spend every day on a tube or skis behind the boat. She loves to jet ski and even does her own jet ski repair because she knows that it will take less time than taking it some place to get it fixed by someone else. She just wants to be on the water. She's the girl that you know jumped out of her bassinet days after she was born, ready to start playing.
But she has a secret. She loves who she is, she just wishes that she could get a date every now and then. Cheer up, jet ski repair girl, you'll get there some day.
She plays soccer, softball, runs track and plays volleyball. She gets phone calls from boys almost every night of the week, but it's not because they want to treat her to a sundae. It's because they need a fifth for their basketball game and want to know if she's in. In the Summer, you can find her on the lake. She would be happy to spend every day on a tube or skis behind the boat. She loves to jet ski and even does her own jet ski repair because she knows that it will take less time than taking it some place to get it fixed by someone else. She just wants to be on the water. She's the girl that you know jumped out of her bassinet days after she was born, ready to start playing.
But she has a secret. She loves who she is, she just wishes that she could get a date every now and then. Cheer up, jet ski repair girl, you'll get there some day.
The Smart One
As we have seen, there are many different types of girls. The next one is the queen of them all. She is the one that is going to grow up and become a social security attorney in Detroit or a brain surgeon for St. John's or space engineer for NASA. She most often wears glasses and can be found most often in the library. She will be valedictorian and will graduate from college Summa Cum Laude. She is the genius in the school, and most often, she knows it. She's too nice to be stuck up about it, though.
She is The Smart One. The boys envy her genius, but never ask her out because they are far too intimidated by her. The girls want a piece of her smarts, but not the whole pie because they actually like being asked out by the boys. She likes who she is, though, even when the jealous boys are mocking her by calling her "Four Point". She hates these boys. But she's ok because she knows that she will go on to lead a far more amazing life than they do and she knows that in the end, she will be making twice their annual income. They are losers, and she is not.
To you, Smart One, I say do it. Go become a social security attorney in Detroit. You can do it.
She is The Smart One. The boys envy her genius, but never ask her out because they are far too intimidated by her. The girls want a piece of her smarts, but not the whole pie because they actually like being asked out by the boys. She likes who she is, though, even when the jealous boys are mocking her by calling her "Four Point". She hates these boys. But she's ok because she knows that she will go on to lead a far more amazing life than they do and she knows that in the end, she will be making twice their annual income. They are losers, and she is not.
To you, Smart One, I say do it. Go become a social security attorney in Detroit. You can do it.
Hunter Girl
The next type of girl I would like to discuss is one that is traditionally found in the mid-western states, like Missouri, Iowa, South Dakota, etc. She is a different breed completely from those we've discussed before, and is very much akin to the FFA girl. This is Hunter girl.
Hunter girl is the one that will take a couple (if not a week) of school off each year to go pheasant hunting in South Dakota or fly fishing in Minnesota. She lives for the outdoors and is proud of the day that she finally shot her first buck. She's more proud of the day that she shot her first 8 point buck.
She owns three guns of her own; ones that she saved her money for years to buy. She's a daddy's girl, but not in the sense that she's a tomboy, but just someone that would prefer to be behind a duck blind than sitting in her homeroom class. She is confident in who she is and doesn't want to change at all, even though the rest of the snotty girls (remember the cheerleader?) make fun of her camo on the days she plans to go straight into the woods after school.
She is the girl that we all respect, because pheasant hunting girl is amazing, but let's face it, we don't want to be her.
Hunter girl is the one that will take a couple (if not a week) of school off each year to go pheasant hunting in South Dakota or fly fishing in Minnesota. She lives for the outdoors and is proud of the day that she finally shot her first buck. She's more proud of the day that she shot her first 8 point buck.
She owns three guns of her own; ones that she saved her money for years to buy. She's a daddy's girl, but not in the sense that she's a tomboy, but just someone that would prefer to be behind a duck blind than sitting in her homeroom class. She is confident in who she is and doesn't want to change at all, even though the rest of the snotty girls (remember the cheerleader?) make fun of her camo on the days she plans to go straight into the woods after school.
She is the girl that we all respect, because pheasant hunting girl is amazing, but let's face it, we don't want to be her.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Promo Girl
Have you ever wondered why some girls are gifted at budgeting? I mean, there are guys that are good at it, too, but it seems that this particular trait seems to focus on the female of our species. It seems that there are some girls that can budget the heck out of life. They KNOW how to save money.
I feel that a lot of this has to do with coupons and sales. I have a friend that can, on a regular basis, buy boxes of cereal for a dollar a piece. How does she do this? I don't know. It's like magic. Now, I'm pretty good at budgeting, but I realized the other day that this is because I hate hate hate to spend money. I hate it. I love seeing the little numbers climb in my checking account. I'm one of those kind of people.
I need to learn how to use the right coupons, I think. More than that, I need to learn how to use promo codes, like the infamous Newegg promo code. Promo codes are like online coupons, right? And the right promo code (Newegg promo code) can get you just what you want.
Although, I have my eye on some boots by my favorite shoe company, and I don't think that there is a promo code for those. Sad.
I feel that a lot of this has to do with coupons and sales. I have a friend that can, on a regular basis, buy boxes of cereal for a dollar a piece. How does she do this? I don't know. It's like magic. Now, I'm pretty good at budgeting, but I realized the other day that this is because I hate hate hate to spend money. I hate it. I love seeing the little numbers climb in my checking account. I'm one of those kind of people.
I need to learn how to use the right coupons, I think. More than that, I need to learn how to use promo codes, like the infamous Newegg promo code. Promo codes are like online coupons, right? And the right promo code (Newegg promo code) can get you just what you want.
Although, I have my eye on some boots by my favorite shoe company, and I don't think that there is a promo code for those. Sad.
Altruistic Girl
Just for a second, I would like to discuss the type of girl we would all like to be. I'm talking about a girl that is sweet and kind and loving no matter what. She never gets mad and never argues. She says she gets mad, but really, her "mad" is like normal people frustrated. She is happy all the time and will go around saying things like, "I love dumpsters." (On a side note, I'm not kidding, there are girls that say that. I had a roommate that said that on a date once. She married him a year later.)
Yes, you know who I'm talking about. It's altruistic girl. You know, the girl that should be taking medical assistant classes in Kentucky. (I believe that Kentucky has all the nicest of people. I don't know why I believe this, but I don't think that the people of Kentucky would mind, so I will stick with this philosophy.) So she takes medical assistant classes in Kentucky and loves everyone all the time. She always looks perfect, even when she has just been at the gym for the last five hours doing Zoomba (this was after she spent the morning creating gift baskets for the starving children in Africa). Not only does she love everyone, but everyone loves her back.
I want to be just like you, altruistic girl!
Yes, you know who I'm talking about. It's altruistic girl. You know, the girl that should be taking medical assistant classes in Kentucky. (I believe that Kentucky has all the nicest of people. I don't know why I believe this, but I don't think that the people of Kentucky would mind, so I will stick with this philosophy.) So she takes medical assistant classes in Kentucky and loves everyone all the time. She always looks perfect, even when she has just been at the gym for the last five hours doing Zoomba (this was after she spent the morning creating gift baskets for the starving children in Africa). Not only does she love everyone, but everyone loves her back.
I want to be just like you, altruistic girl!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Peter Pan Girl
The next type of girl that I would like to discuss is the girl that never seems to grow up. No, I'm not talking about the super charitable girl that is sweet and kind and will create gift baskets for kids with cancer. No, that's not her. I'm talking about a different type of girl.
I'm talking about the girl that wears high pigtails in her hair. Low pigtails are cool. High pigtails, the ones that sit on the crown of your head practically, those are not cool. This is the same girl that wears Hello Kitty everything. I mean seriously EVERYTHING. She even has Hello Kitty ponytail holders that are keeping up her pigtails.
This is the girl that not only believes that she'll never grow up, she acts like it, too. She chews double bubble on a regular basis. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life because she doesn't actually believe that she will ever have to.
This is not a girl that anyone wants to be, ever. I don't know how some girls seems to get stuck in this rut, but they do, and it is painful for all those who are on the outside watching it happen. Sadly, most often the only girls that are nice to her are the super altruistic ones that don't value their own social standings.
A word to the wise, Peter Pan girl. Live in the now, and if you want to do something cutesy and young, make gift baskets for kids.
I'm talking about the girl that wears high pigtails in her hair. Low pigtails are cool. High pigtails, the ones that sit on the crown of your head practically, those are not cool. This is the same girl that wears Hello Kitty everything. I mean seriously EVERYTHING. She even has Hello Kitty ponytail holders that are keeping up her pigtails.
This is the girl that not only believes that she'll never grow up, she acts like it, too. She chews double bubble on a regular basis. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life because she doesn't actually believe that she will ever have to.
This is not a girl that anyone wants to be, ever. I don't know how some girls seems to get stuck in this rut, but they do, and it is painful for all those who are on the outside watching it happen. Sadly, most often the only girls that are nice to her are the super altruistic ones that don't value their own social standings.
A word to the wise, Peter Pan girl. Live in the now, and if you want to do something cutesy and young, make gift baskets for kids.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thanksgiving? I'm ready!
Let's put a pause for a second on the subject of the different types of girls. I would now like to discuss my favorite of all the holidays, Thanksgiving. Yes, it's true, I do also enjoy Christmas; well, I enjoy certain aspects of Christmas. I love the fact that everyone seems to love everyone during Christmas time. Sure people are stressed out, but as a general rule of thumb, people are more kind during Christmas time. And Thanksgiving is the start of that.
I love that at Thanksgiving, there is no greedy present giving or receiving. I love that you can just enjoy being with each other instead of worrying about if you got your little 10 year old brat of a niece the right gift or if she is going to start screaming the second she opens the present. I love that at Thanksgiving, it's all about being together. At least, that's how it is at my house.
I wonder if there was a way that we could extend certain positive aspects of Christmas to Thanksgiving and vice versa. Can we make presents more optional? Maybe put a monetary cap on the presents? And maybe we could send out cards. What do you think of Thanksgiving cards? We could send out bulk Thanksgiving cards and really spread some cheer. Or even companies could get involved and send out business Thanksgiving cards. That could be a lot of fun. I'm just saying....
I love that at Thanksgiving, there is no greedy present giving or receiving. I love that you can just enjoy being with each other instead of worrying about if you got your little 10 year old brat of a niece the right gift or if she is going to start screaming the second she opens the present. I love that at Thanksgiving, it's all about being together. At least, that's how it is at my house.
I wonder if there was a way that we could extend certain positive aspects of Christmas to Thanksgiving and vice versa. Can we make presents more optional? Maybe put a monetary cap on the presents? And maybe we could send out cards. What do you think of Thanksgiving cards? We could send out bulk Thanksgiving cards and really spread some cheer. Or even companies could get involved and send out business Thanksgiving cards. That could be a lot of fun. I'm just saying....
The Cheerleader
The next girl on our list (I believe we are on number six) is the cheerleader.
The cheerleader is easy to spot. In movies, she the one that is always wearing her cheer leading uniform with its short, pleated skirt and form fitting top. In real life, she wears real clothes 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time she is wearing her uniform.
The cheerleader comes in two different varieties. Either she is a super snob that heads to the San Diego day spa every other weekend (and refuses to talk to anyone who doesn't) or she is the super-friendly nice to everyone all time. She is at most ends of this extreme. How she accomplishes this, I don't know. But she does.
San Diego day spa cheerleader always has perfectly manicured fingernails and looks like she just stepped out of a magazine. She is the epitome of high school; she IS the popular crowd. She is dating the quarterback, but we all know that she doesn't deserve him. We all secretly want to be her in high school, but once we get to college we will realize how much we would rather be anyone BUT her. She is the one that gets stuck in high school and will forever be reminiscing about the "good old days".
But we also have the super friendly cheerleader that loves everyone. She is sweet and kind and would never dream of making fun of anyone. She is even nice to the San Diego day spa cheerleader. She love high school but yearns to get to college so that she can start her career as a writer. She has dreams. She is the one that we still want to be like, even after we have graduated and moved on to other things.
The cheerleader has it all.
The cheerleader is easy to spot. In movies, she the one that is always wearing her cheer leading uniform with its short, pleated skirt and form fitting top. In real life, she wears real clothes 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time she is wearing her uniform.
The cheerleader comes in two different varieties. Either she is a super snob that heads to the San Diego day spa every other weekend (and refuses to talk to anyone who doesn't) or she is the super-friendly nice to everyone all time. She is at most ends of this extreme. How she accomplishes this, I don't know. But she does.
San Diego day spa cheerleader always has perfectly manicured fingernails and looks like she just stepped out of a magazine. She is the epitome of high school; she IS the popular crowd. She is dating the quarterback, but we all know that she doesn't deserve him. We all secretly want to be her in high school, but once we get to college we will realize how much we would rather be anyone BUT her. She is the one that gets stuck in high school and will forever be reminiscing about the "good old days".
But we also have the super friendly cheerleader that loves everyone. She is sweet and kind and would never dream of making fun of anyone. She is even nice to the San Diego day spa cheerleader. She love high school but yearns to get to college so that she can start her career as a writer. She has dreams. She is the one that we still want to be like, even after we have graduated and moved on to other things.
The cheerleader has it all.
The Topper
The next girl on our list is the topper girl. You know the type. She's the girl that is with you when you see the Washington DC limousine service girl. You remark that you've ridden in one once, a long time ago, and she, the topper girl, starts telling this elaborate story about how she rode in one once too, it was a couple of years ago. It was on her way to see Justin Timberlake in concert. He's her cousin. They are soooooooooo close. She should call him.
You know her. There is no way to compete with her. There is almost no way to talk to her. Everything you say, the topper can top. You like going to the zoo? Her uncle owns a zoo. You hate riding in planes? She gets sick every time she gets in one. Your grandma is on her deathbed? Her grandma died last year after struggling with some unrecognizable disease for years.
Really, topper girl just needs attention. Who knows why. Maybe her parents didn't show her enough love. Maybe her first boyfriend broke her heart. Maybe she's crazy and needs to be institutionalized. Or maybe she just needs real friends.
Some day, topper girl, you will have friends. Until then, just try to be more like Washington DC limousine girl.
You know her. There is no way to compete with her. There is almost no way to talk to her. Everything you say, the topper can top. You like going to the zoo? Her uncle owns a zoo. You hate riding in planes? She gets sick every time she gets in one. Your grandma is on her deathbed? Her grandma died last year after struggling with some unrecognizable disease for years.
Really, topper girl just needs attention. Who knows why. Maybe her parents didn't show her enough love. Maybe her first boyfriend broke her heart. Maybe she's crazy and needs to be institutionalized. Or maybe she just needs real friends.
Some day, topper girl, you will have friends. Until then, just try to be more like Washington DC limousine girl.
Limousine girl
And now I'm back. The next type of girl I would like to feature is very much like the buffalo jacket girl, but of a far higher class of people. She is Washington DC limousine service girl.
Now, the limousine service in Washington DC is far different than the limousine service that you would find anywhere else in the country. It is the capital of the United States of America, after all. There is a different sort of atmosphere there, I'm told. It is something more refined. Something more elegant. Something that is cleaner than the insanity that lives in New York, but less foreign and snobby than London. It is political. It is almost, dare I say it? It is almost reverent when you are wandering the old streets and visiting the museums and looking at everything that has made our nation great.
The girl that takes the limousine services there is all of that, and more. She is wealth, yet, she isn't stuck up about it like someone who is in a similar position to her but that lives in Hollywood or New York. She will wear the little black cocktail dress, it's true, but when she wears it, she somehow makes it modest. Well, maybe not completely modest, but it is more tasteful and seems more modest somehow when she is wearing it.
Washington DC limousine service girl, you are what we aspire to become.
Now, the limousine service in Washington DC is far different than the limousine service that you would find anywhere else in the country. It is the capital of the United States of America, after all. There is a different sort of atmosphere there, I'm told. It is something more refined. Something more elegant. Something that is cleaner than the insanity that lives in New York, but less foreign and snobby than London. It is political. It is almost, dare I say it? It is almost reverent when you are wandering the old streets and visiting the museums and looking at everything that has made our nation great.
The girl that takes the limousine services there is all of that, and more. She is wealth, yet, she isn't stuck up about it like someone who is in a similar position to her but that lives in Hollywood or New York. She will wear the little black cocktail dress, it's true, but when she wears it, she somehow makes it modest. Well, maybe not completely modest, but it is more tasteful and seems more modest somehow when she is wearing it.
Washington DC limousine service girl, you are what we aspire to become.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Next Girl
The next girl on our list is deep inside 97% of all women. Trust me. You'll love this one:
1. The wedding planner. Now, percentage-wise, there are very few women who actually do this for a profession, but trust me, it is deep in the heart of most women. We love love LOVE planning weddings. If we haven't gotten married yet, then we are planning our own wedding. We will know our colors, the foods, the reception site, have the wedding programs written in our heads.... We will know every detail. This is all done long before we meet the groom. We understand that once that ring goes on the finger, things have to start happening quickly. We want everything to go perfectly. And if it is up to us, it will.
This is the reason why most women go bridezilla. We have had this entire thing planned since our birth, and we want it done right. So step out of the way. If that wedding program isn't worded the way we want it, you better fix it or the next 100 years are all downhill for you, buddy.
And here's the other thing. Even if we are married, we are going to help every single one of our friends when they get married. We want to relive our big day. Just let us do it, ok? As long as we aren't arguing with bridezilla, everything will be fine.
If you are married and a man, you know what I am talking about. I bet your wife planned the entire thing herself, didn't she? If you are a man and aren't married, trust me, some day you'll completely understand.
But trust me on the wedding programs.
1. The wedding planner. Now, percentage-wise, there are very few women who actually do this for a profession, but trust me, it is deep in the heart of most women. We love love LOVE planning weddings. If we haven't gotten married yet, then we are planning our own wedding. We will know our colors, the foods, the reception site, have the wedding programs written in our heads.... We will know every detail. This is all done long before we meet the groom. We understand that once that ring goes on the finger, things have to start happening quickly. We want everything to go perfectly. And if it is up to us, it will.
This is the reason why most women go bridezilla. We have had this entire thing planned since our birth, and we want it done right. So step out of the way. If that wedding program isn't worded the way we want it, you better fix it or the next 100 years are all downhill for you, buddy.
And here's the other thing. Even if we are married, we are going to help every single one of our friends when they get married. We want to relive our big day. Just let us do it, ok? As long as we aren't arguing with bridezilla, everything will be fine.
If you are married and a man, you know what I am talking about. I bet your wife planned the entire thing herself, didn't she? If you are a man and aren't married, trust me, some day you'll completely understand.
But trust me on the wedding programs.
More about Girls
Now, let's move on to the next type of girl, who is drastically similar, yet hauntingly different than the snob fashionista in the buffalo leather jacket.
2. Emo girl. I haven't had a lot of experience with this type of girl, mostly because there were very few in my small Iowa town where I grew up. What I know of them has occurred during the period of time when most girls have grown out of the emo phase. You see, while the snob fashionista in her buffalo leather jacket is a personality that lasts throughout her lifetime, the emo girls tend to grown out of this phase once they hit college, or at worst, the real life that happens after college.
Emo girls are similar to the snob fashionista because they, like the snobs, don't care at all about what other people think of them. They will wear their black clothes with the chains hanging from their pants and dye their hair a stark black color and they don't care in the slightest that the cheerleaders are snickering at them behind their backs.
Emo girls are very different however, because, from what I understand, they secretly want to be liked. They are mostly the outcasts of society, and they long to become a part of the inner circle.
Oh, poor emo girls! There are no buffalo leather jackets for you!
2. Emo girl. I haven't had a lot of experience with this type of girl, mostly because there were very few in my small Iowa town where I grew up. What I know of them has occurred during the period of time when most girls have grown out of the emo phase. You see, while the snob fashionista in her buffalo leather jacket is a personality that lasts throughout her lifetime, the emo girls tend to grown out of this phase once they hit college, or at worst, the real life that happens after college.
Emo girls are similar to the snob fashionista because they, like the snobs, don't care at all about what other people think of them. They will wear their black clothes with the chains hanging from their pants and dye their hair a stark black color and they don't care in the slightest that the cheerleaders are snickering at them behind their backs.
Emo girls are very different however, because, from what I understand, they secretly want to be liked. They are mostly the outcasts of society, and they long to become a part of the inner circle.
Oh, poor emo girls! There are no buffalo leather jackets for you!
Girls Girls Girls
Today I was thinking about all the different types of girls there are. Ok, this really applies to all people, but I was thinking about it in terms of girls because they are the most typified when it comes to this sort of thing.
Now, if you don't already know, there are different types of girls. I will illustrate this for you:
1. The Fashionista- this is the girl that always has the latest that just came in from Prague or Milano or New York. It doesn't matter what the item is, she will wear that buffalo leather jacket with the neon throw-back tights from the 80s like it is nobody's business. She walks like she is on the run way and doesn't care what anyone thinks. She is a snob.
This is the girl that I would like to focus on today, this snob in the buffalo leather jacket with the neon tights. She is the bane of all other girls' existence, with the exception, of course, of the emo, who we will get to later. Now the snob fashionista is the girl we all hate but secretly envy. Why? Because none of the rest of us has her confidence, which we desperately covet. We want to be just like her, with her long hair flowing in the wind and her long legs and her perfectly manicured nails.
Oh, snob fashionista! I want your buffalo leather jacket!
Now, if you don't already know, there are different types of girls. I will illustrate this for you:
1. The Fashionista- this is the girl that always has the latest that just came in from Prague or Milano or New York. It doesn't matter what the item is, she will wear that buffalo leather jacket with the neon throw-back tights from the 80s like it is nobody's business. She walks like she is on the run way and doesn't care what anyone thinks. She is a snob.
This is the girl that I would like to focus on today, this snob in the buffalo leather jacket with the neon tights. She is the bane of all other girls' existence, with the exception, of course, of the emo, who we will get to later. Now the snob fashionista is the girl we all hate but secretly envy. Why? Because none of the rest of us has her confidence, which we desperately covet. We want to be just like her, with her long hair flowing in the wind and her long legs and her perfectly manicured nails.
Oh, snob fashionista! I want your buffalo leather jacket!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
spa day?
I have a confession to make I'm, well, I'm in my late 20s, and I have never been to a spa. That's right. It's true. I do want to go to one, it's just that, when I was living in Iowa, I think the closest spa is in Des Moines. But I can imagine what happens in spas based on what I have seen in movies and on TV.
I've also never had a pedicure or a manicure. It's not that I'm opposed to them, it's just that it seems like they cost so much money that, well, I don't want to spend. I feel much the same way about spas. I kind of have a tight fist when it comes to money, which is good and bad. I have a decently healthy bank account, but I never do anything fun. My little sister, on the other hand, knows how to have fun. She spends money like it's nobody's business and is always out on the town. My idea of extravagance is Chinese takeout and a Redbox movie. I'm such a big spender: my exciting evening costs me a grand total of $7.20. Let the good times begin!
Maybe, someday, when my student loans are paid off and I still have money in the account, I'll let my hair down a little. I doubt I'll take an expensive trip, but I think I'll do something fun. Maybe I'll get a manicure or a pedicure. Maybe I'll even visit the spa.
I've also never had a pedicure or a manicure. It's not that I'm opposed to them, it's just that it seems like they cost so much money that, well, I don't want to spend. I feel much the same way about spas. I kind of have a tight fist when it comes to money, which is good and bad. I have a decently healthy bank account, but I never do anything fun. My little sister, on the other hand, knows how to have fun. She spends money like it's nobody's business and is always out on the town. My idea of extravagance is Chinese takeout and a Redbox movie. I'm such a big spender: my exciting evening costs me a grand total of $7.20. Let the good times begin!
Maybe, someday, when my student loans are paid off and I still have money in the account, I'll let my hair down a little. I doubt I'll take an expensive trip, but I think I'll do something fun. Maybe I'll get a manicure or a pedicure. Maybe I'll even visit the spa.
My mechanic
I've mentioned it before, but I'm going to say it again. I love the fact that my husband and father-in-law know mechanics. It has saved us literally hundreds of dollars because they will do all our auto repair at the house (my father-in-law has all the necessary tools, you see). Before I married my husband, though I got into some very rough situations because I wasn't an auto repair guru.
When I moved away from home, I bought a car off a friend. She wasn't a very good friend; close enough that I felt bad haggling, but not bad enough to not haggle. I ended up getting her to take $200 off the price of the car. Not bad, but not good considering that the day after I bought it, the water pump went out and I had to spend that extra $200 on getting it fixed. Luckily, I was at home then and my parents have a great auto repair guy. His name is Mike. He fixed it for me. But if the water pump hadn't gone out when it did, it probably would have happened during the trip, and that would not have been good. I don't have any mechanics on the interstate.
Now I'm married. And my husband takes care of all the auto repairs. That is especially nice as I don't know enough to know what I am doing for real. I'll let him take the cars in to our Boise auto repair guys.
When I moved away from home, I bought a car off a friend. She wasn't a very good friend; close enough that I felt bad haggling, but not bad enough to not haggle. I ended up getting her to take $200 off the price of the car. Not bad, but not good considering that the day after I bought it, the water pump went out and I had to spend that extra $200 on getting it fixed. Luckily, I was at home then and my parents have a great auto repair guy. His name is Mike. He fixed it for me. But if the water pump hadn't gone out when it did, it probably would have happened during the trip, and that would not have been good. I don't have any mechanics on the interstate.
Now I'm married. And my husband takes care of all the auto repairs. That is especially nice as I don't know enough to know what I am doing for real. I'll let him take the cars in to our Boise auto repair guys.
my door
I was just thinking about my garage door. Ok, not MY garage door, because I don't have a garage. I wish I did, then I could stick my car in there overnight and I wouldn't have to worry about clearing the snow off of it during the Winter. It would be nice.
No, I was just thinking about how painting your garage door is a good idea. And then I was thinking about how stupid it would be to have a clear garage door. If it was clear, then everyone and their dog (literally, their dog would know) everything in your garage. They would know what kind of cars you drive, if you are home or not, and how big of a mess you have in your garage (because, let's face it, garages are known for their messes). My parent's garage is terrible, but mostly because they have nine kids, all most all of which have moved out of the house and have left all the belongings they couldn't take with them in the garage. I think my sister might have even left her elliptical machine in there. Not kidding. So it is one big mess. And just think, if we had a clear garage door, everyone would be able to see that mess. There would probably be thieves that would try and steal your stuff, too.
So, the point of this story is that your garage door in Tigard should be painted, not clear.
No, I was just thinking about how painting your garage door is a good idea. And then I was thinking about how stupid it would be to have a clear garage door. If it was clear, then everyone and their dog (literally, their dog would know) everything in your garage. They would know what kind of cars you drive, if you are home or not, and how big of a mess you have in your garage (because, let's face it, garages are known for their messes). My parent's garage is terrible, but mostly because they have nine kids, all most all of which have moved out of the house and have left all the belongings they couldn't take with them in the garage. I think my sister might have even left her elliptical machine in there. Not kidding. So it is one big mess. And just think, if we had a clear garage door, everyone would be able to see that mess. There would probably be thieves that would try and steal your stuff, too.
So, the point of this story is that your garage door in Tigard should be painted, not clear.
Top Ten Reasons You Need Pest Control
I bring to you my top ten reasons you need pest control in Des Moines, Iowa:
1. Your kids joke that your house is just a bunch of termites holding hands.
2. You pour yourself a bowl of oatmeal to find that some of the grains are moving.
3. You are getting low on groceries and you seriously consider just going to the kitchen and making chocolate-covered ants for breakfast.
4. Your kids run to you one morning, excited because their new favorite pet (whom they've named "MICKEY"), has just had babies....again.
5. You now understand the meaning of the phrase, "Sleep tight, Don't let the bed bugs bite."
6. Instead of watching TV at night, your kids play a game entitled, "Who can kill the most Cockroaches".
7. There are more fleas in the house than there are on Rover.
8. Your kids now know how to properly treat their own bee stings using first aid.
9. Instead of calling his little sister a "Brat", you hear your son calling your daughter the "Queen Bee".
10. You realize that the black spots on the floor aren't dirt...they're ants.
If any or all of these apply to you, don't hesitate. Call the pest control guy today.
1. Your kids joke that your house is just a bunch of termites holding hands.
2. You pour yourself a bowl of oatmeal to find that some of the grains are moving.
3. You are getting low on groceries and you seriously consider just going to the kitchen and making chocolate-covered ants for breakfast.
4. Your kids run to you one morning, excited because their new favorite pet (whom they've named "MICKEY"), has just had babies....again.
5. You now understand the meaning of the phrase, "Sleep tight, Don't let the bed bugs bite."
6. Instead of watching TV at night, your kids play a game entitled, "Who can kill the most Cockroaches".
7. There are more fleas in the house than there are on Rover.
8. Your kids now know how to properly treat their own bee stings using first aid.
9. Instead of calling his little sister a "Brat", you hear your son calling your daughter the "Queen Bee".
10. You realize that the black spots on the floor aren't dirt...they're ants.
If any or all of these apply to you, don't hesitate. Call the pest control guy today.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Pet Owner's Lament
Once upon a time, my family had a dog. She was part bird dog and part something else, we really don't know what. She was given to my family by another family who was moving and couldn't take the dog with them. So we took in the dog and named her "Freckles". (She was white with brown spots.)
We loved her, it's true, but we couldn't let her in the house because our landlord wouldn't let us. We built her a house and in the Winter we would add some hay and make sure that her water bowl didn't get frozen over. I felt bad for the poor girl, but what else could we do? We would take her for walks and let her run and play and sometimes she would disappear down the street, but she would always come back to us. As we got older, we forgot to play with her. My mom was always good about taking her to the animal hospital so that she could get her shots and flee medication, but more often than not, I'm ashamed to say, she would go days on end without seeing a member of the family for more than a few minutes.
Then came the sad day that we realized that she had tumors. Big lumps of her fur would fall off and there were bumps under her skin. The animal hospital said the prognosis wasn't good. She would have to be put down. So she was. Sad day.
But, as the animal hospital in Henderson, NV says (or maybe it was a movie...), "all dogs go to heaven". Good news.
We loved her, it's true, but we couldn't let her in the house because our landlord wouldn't let us. We built her a house and in the Winter we would add some hay and make sure that her water bowl didn't get frozen over. I felt bad for the poor girl, but what else could we do? We would take her for walks and let her run and play and sometimes she would disappear down the street, but she would always come back to us. As we got older, we forgot to play with her. My mom was always good about taking her to the animal hospital so that she could get her shots and flee medication, but more often than not, I'm ashamed to say, she would go days on end without seeing a member of the family for more than a few minutes.
Then came the sad day that we realized that she had tumors. Big lumps of her fur would fall off and there were bumps under her skin. The animal hospital said the prognosis wasn't good. She would have to be put down. So she was. Sad day.
But, as the animal hospital in Henderson, NV says (or maybe it was a movie...), "all dogs go to heaven". Good news.
Car Rentals
A friend of mine just told me about how a lot of car dealerships are now renting cars. You know, like rental cars. I don't know if there is a Chicago Chevrolet dealership that does them, but I would guess that there is one somewhere in that big city that does. I mean, come on, Oprah lives there. They have to be up with the times.
Anyway, we were just discussing all the weird things that you would find in a returned rental car. The one time that I rented a car I was with my boyfriend going to visit my parents in Iowa. We flew into town really late, and my parents didn't want to make the hour and a half drive to the airport in the middle of the night, so we just rented a car to drive to my parent's house. It was late. It was dark. There were deer on the side of the road. It was crazy. What wasn't crazy was the stuff left in the back of the car. Not much excitement there. All we found in the back was a small pile of cigarette butts. Silly nicotine addicted people...leaving their butts everywhere.
But can you imagine what people do in those cars? Probably some pretty nasty stuff. I can just imagine all the dirty diapers and other gross stuff that has touched those car seats. It's a good thing they clean them, otherwise....Bad stuff.
I'm just glad that someone else is willing to work at a Chicago Chevrolet dealership.
Anyway, we were just discussing all the weird things that you would find in a returned rental car. The one time that I rented a car I was with my boyfriend going to visit my parents in Iowa. We flew into town really late, and my parents didn't want to make the hour and a half drive to the airport in the middle of the night, so we just rented a car to drive to my parent's house. It was late. It was dark. There were deer on the side of the road. It was crazy. What wasn't crazy was the stuff left in the back of the car. Not much excitement there. All we found in the back was a small pile of cigarette butts. Silly nicotine addicted people...leaving their butts everywhere.
But can you imagine what people do in those cars? Probably some pretty nasty stuff. I can just imagine all the dirty diapers and other gross stuff that has touched those car seats. It's a good thing they clean them, otherwise....Bad stuff.
I'm just glad that someone else is willing to work at a Chicago Chevrolet dealership.
Fantastically weird
Yesterday I had the most insane dream. Now, I am a person that normally has some pretty crazy dreams. I read an article that there are some people that dream all the time, and other people that seem to never dream. I'm one of those people that has very vivid dreams all the time. One time I had a dream that I was flying a plane. I hate planes, so that was weird.
Now back to my story. I had this crazy dream last night that I was on a desert island with palm trees every where. There were coconuts falling down and I grabbed one and tried to crack it on a rock. And as I did, a man popped out from behind a tree. He started walking toward me and as he did, he introduced himself as my grandfather whom I've never met in real life (he died while I was in high school). He told me to come with him, so I followed him and as I did, we all of a sudden were in the middle of a Chicago Chevrolet dealership. (This is not as odd as it sounds as he really was a car salesman at one point during his life.) And as we were sitting at this Chicago Chevrolet dealership, my grandpa tells me to pick a car. So I climb into one that looks a lot like the car that I drive now. He hands me the keys and I drive away from the Chevrolet dealership and my grandpa.
Then, I wake up. Fantastically weird, isn't it? I don't really believe that dreams have meaning, though, but if you'd like to interpret for me, I'm willing to listen.
Now back to my story. I had this crazy dream last night that I was on a desert island with palm trees every where. There were coconuts falling down and I grabbed one and tried to crack it on a rock. And as I did, a man popped out from behind a tree. He started walking toward me and as he did, he introduced himself as my grandfather whom I've never met in real life (he died while I was in high school). He told me to come with him, so I followed him and as I did, we all of a sudden were in the middle of a Chicago Chevrolet dealership. (This is not as odd as it sounds as he really was a car salesman at one point during his life.) And as we were sitting at this Chicago Chevrolet dealership, my grandpa tells me to pick a car. So I climb into one that looks a lot like the car that I drive now. He hands me the keys and I drive away from the Chevrolet dealership and my grandpa.
Then, I wake up. Fantastically weird, isn't it? I don't really believe that dreams have meaning, though, but if you'd like to interpret for me, I'm willing to listen.
Mechanics
So the last time I was in a Chicago Chevrolet dealership was well, never. I have only owned one car my entire life, and that I only bought because I needed to move half way across the country. So I bought a car (yes, it's a Chevy), packed up all my stuff and moved one thousand miles away from all my family and friends. Ok, really, my brother was living close to where I moved, but it's not like I was going to live with him or anything. I didn't really see him all that much in the beginning when I first moved out here anyway. No, I just moved because I felt like I should.
I found a job and it was good. Then I found a boy and things were better. Then the boy and I got married and life is wonderful. One of the things that is great about this boy is that he know mechanics. His dad is the head mechanic for the city where we used to live (we moved after we got married). And now? I let him make all our car decisions. When the car needs an oil change? He takes care of it. When the brakes need to be worked on? He takes care of it. When the stupid check engine light comes on? He's got it covered.
So the point of this story is that if you don't have a mechanic for a husband, you should find a Chevrolet dealership in Chicago. That's all.
I found a job and it was good. Then I found a boy and things were better. Then the boy and I got married and life is wonderful. One of the things that is great about this boy is that he know mechanics. His dad is the head mechanic for the city where we used to live (we moved after we got married). And now? I let him make all our car decisions. When the car needs an oil change? He takes care of it. When the brakes need to be worked on? He takes care of it. When the stupid check engine light comes on? He's got it covered.
So the point of this story is that if you don't have a mechanic for a husband, you should find a Chevrolet dealership in Chicago. That's all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Storms
I'm from the mid-west, right? Right. I mean, I'm right, I was just hoping that everyone that reads my fabulous little blog here knows that. I am from the middle of the country. Iowa, to be precise. Yep, it's right in the middle of the country. That's what I always tell people.
And in the mid-west, sometimes we have roofing issues. Really major roofing issues. This is nothing like Oakland roofing issues. This is roofing that will fly off the tops of houses because there are these insane thunderstorms. You know the ones I'm talking about; the storms where the rain pours down and you get drenched after being outside for one second. The kind of storms that wakes up the little kids in your house and makes them cry for mommy. These the kind of storms that will bend rain gutters around your trees and take those roofing shingles right off the top. These storms are almost as bad as the Winter variety that will put a ton of ice and snow on the roofing until it collapses in on you. The Spring/Summer variety are better because at least it isn't freeze-your-but-off cold when they happen. I kind of miss those kinds of storms....
And in the mid-west, sometimes we have roofing issues. Really major roofing issues. This is nothing like Oakland roofing issues. This is roofing that will fly off the tops of houses because there are these insane thunderstorms. You know the ones I'm talking about; the storms where the rain pours down and you get drenched after being outside for one second. The kind of storms that wakes up the little kids in your house and makes them cry for mommy. These the kind of storms that will bend rain gutters around your trees and take those roofing shingles right off the top. These storms are almost as bad as the Winter variety that will put a ton of ice and snow on the roofing until it collapses in on you. The Spring/Summer variety are better because at least it isn't freeze-your-but-off cold when they happen. I kind of miss those kinds of storms....
Roofing
Now, I'm not an Oakland roofing expert, but I think that if I was, I would totally do some crazy things with roofs. I saw a roof on a round house. That was exciting. But I think that if I was a roofing expert, I would do some really crazy things. I mean, crazy.
I would like to build a roof and use a whole bunch of crazy different shingles. You can do a lot with that. You could do a checker board pattern or stripes or if the homeowners were planning on staying there forever, you could even write their last name on the roof if you had real talent. Not that most roofing experts don't have talent. I really think they do. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that it would take a lot of careful planning and maybe a couple of rough drafts to be able to pull off roofing like that.
Unfortunately for us, I am no roofing expert. In fact, I'm scared of heights. I can handle being in buildings and being up high, but stick me on top of a roof and I'd be scared senseless. Which is no good, because I'm pretty sure that I would need my senses up there on the roof.
And I'd make a wicked awesome roofing person.
I would like to build a roof and use a whole bunch of crazy different shingles. You can do a lot with that. You could do a checker board pattern or stripes or if the homeowners were planning on staying there forever, you could even write their last name on the roof if you had real talent. Not that most roofing experts don't have talent. I really think they do. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that it would take a lot of careful planning and maybe a couple of rough drafts to be able to pull off roofing like that.
Unfortunately for us, I am no roofing expert. In fact, I'm scared of heights. I can handle being in buildings and being up high, but stick me on top of a roof and I'd be scared senseless. Which is no good, because I'm pretty sure that I would need my senses up there on the roof.
And I'd make a wicked awesome roofing person.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My limo service
Why is it so cool to ride in a limousine? I mean, when you call the limousine service to reserve one, do they make you fill out a questionnaire to determine how cool you are? If they did, I bet it would go something like this:
- How long does it take you to do your hair in the morning? How many hair products do you use? (And if it were still the 80's: How long is your hair, in inches?)
- What kind of music do you plan on listening to in the limousine? (Those that reply “Yanni” are automatically disqualified.)
- How many cats do you own? Dogs? Hamsters? Llamas? (Please end survey now if you have more than one cat, more than 3 dogs and if you own a hamster, well, you just need help. If you own a llama, you get 20 more cool points.)
- How many times have you seen Star Wars? Batman? If you have watched all of the “Anne of Green Gables” movies in the last six months, please leave now.
- For which reason did you call our limousine service? Was it to show off to your graduating class at your high school reunion? To pretend to be a celebrity? Or was it so you could ride to the midnight showing of Harry Potter in style? I think you know which category you fall in.
I seriously doubt that the limousine service in Washington, D.C. ask these sort of questions. But maybe they should. Oh, sorry. I have to go. The limousine service guy is on the phone.
A lawyer joke
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the light bulb and twenty eight to bill for professional services.
Yeah, I thought it was funny, too. Mostly, though, because my brother is a lawyer, my sister works in a law office, a really good family friend is a lawyer and even my dad went to law school for a while. Lawyers are those people that everyone loves to hate. But the truth is, we only hate certain types of lawyers. We are mostly ok with the ones that help us get what we want (like the social security lawyer or the patent lawyer). We hate the other ones, like the personal injury lawyer or the criminal lawyer that helps the evil menace get off without ever spending real time in prison. The social security lawyer, though, he's harmless. He's just trying to help your grandpa get money from the government, who are truly evil. So let's lay off the social security lawyer jokes, ok?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
My Tree House
There is a song by Barenaked Ladies that I really like. It's called “If I had a Million Dollars”. I don't remember the tune, or even most of the words, I just remember that it is about all the things this guy would give this girl if he had a million dollars. He tells her, “I would build a tree fort in our yard, you could help me, wouldn't be that hard....”. I love that song.
However, I believe that building a tree fort would be hard. And I wonder, “Is this the kind of service that those tree services guys provide?” Because if the tree services guys DID do this, then I would totally hire them. I would love a tree house. Maybe even a tree mansion. I would live up there. It would be great.
I dreamed of it as a little kid. I wanted a house like the one the Berenstein Bears lived in. There was a cellar downstairs and then the living room/kitchen on the next floor. The parent's bedroom on the next floor, and the kid's rooms up top. All inside a tree. I suppose I would have to buy really good fire insurance, but I think it would be worth it. If the tree service guys in Atlanta could build that for me, I would totally hire them. I think I need to find the tree service guys....
No Attorney Needed, Thank You Very Much
Today, I'm going to tell you a story about a time when I didn't need a DUI attorney. I was living in a small, college town (no, it was not Colorado Springs). It was New Year's Eve. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “But Ginny, I thought you said this was a story about a time when you DIDN'T need a DUI attorney!” I'm telling you, I didn't.
I don't drink normally. Ok, I don't drink ever. I just don't want to. But my friends did. So we all gathered at Jen's house, wearing our cutest “I'm dressed up for going out” clothes. Jen is pretty much a wine expert, and she had picked out her favorites. Well, as close to her favorites as she could; her favorites are straight from Italy, and slightly pricey for college students. They drank the wine, I drank the sparkling grape juice. They look identical, so I didn't feel left out at all.
Pretty soon, it was midnight. They were all tipsy, not drunk, just tipsy. Aaron needed to get his pj's from his house, though. Being the only sober one there, I drove him. And then I drove him back to Jen's.
I was completely sober, though, so I didn't need a DUI attorney. I'm just saying.
The Flood
One summer, I was in the middle of a disaster. There was disaster recovery going on all over the place. (It's true.) But there was no disaster recovery in Denver. Not that summer, anyway. Maybe there will be a disaster in Denver one day. Then they will have disaster recovery there. But that won't be the summer of 1993. That was the year of the flood.
I don't remember when it started, exactly. It just did. It rained a lot that summer, almost every day. I remember playing a lot of Monopoly with my brothers that summer. I lost a lot. But that wasn't actually my fault. My sweet, kind older brothers cheated. A lot. One was the banker, and he “didn't do math well”. Like I believe that. These are the same brothers that knowingly fed me straight Tabasco Sauce (I didn't know what it was). But the Tabasco incident came later. First came the flood with its disaster recovery.
Like I said, there was a lot of rain. A lot of water. My gravel driveway became a pool of jello. If you threw a rock into it, it created waves. I'm not kidding. Dams were breaking everywhere. The high school became an evacuation center. It was a crazy summer. But the disaster recovery worked, and now we all live, happily ever after. Or close.
Home Sweet Home
I don't know if I've already told you this or not, but um, I am from a large family. Really large. Most people I know will hear that and think, “Oh, you have what, like three sisters?”. And the answer is yes, I DO have three sisters. I also have five brothers. Now, if you can do the math, you know that that means that there are nine kids total in my house. Nine.
Some days it was like a zoo in there. Well, it was a little bit stricter and a lot more nurturing than that. Let's say that it was more like growing up in an animal clinic. Yep, I grew up in an animal clinic. Truth is that I do have a brother that I thought was a monkey. He was always climbing all over stuff. And he did tricks.
It was exciting, growing up in the animal clinic. There was regular feeding time, bathing, story time, play time and bed time. My parents were all about keeping us on a decently regular schedule. We even got treats on a semi-regular basis. It was fun. I enjoyed growing up in my house, even with the occasional madness that would befall us.
Some day, I hope to create an animal clinic for my own kids. Just not in Dallas....
Friday, September 17, 2010
Trees
One of my favorite questions to ask people when I first meet them is: if you could be any type of tree, what would it be? Just think about that for a moment. .... .... .... .... ....
Have you decided yet? That's ok. I haven't either. I bet those guys that work for the tree service have already decided. They are like that.
The first thing you have to ask your self is where are you going to live? The type of tree I pick is going to be very different if I lived in Austin, Texas as opposed to Holland, Michigan. Michigan has lots of trees. Texas....well, I don't honestly know. But I do know that it is very hot and humid there. And since that is the case, maybe if I'm living in Austin I would want to be a tree that sheds it's leaves every fall. You know, so that I can be cooler. The thing is that it might be too cold during the winter. But I don't think so because I don't think that Texas gets that cold in the winter. On the other hand, if I was living in Michigan, I might want to be an evergreen. Evergreens are pretty, and they keep at least some of their needles all year 'round, so it would be nice and warm in the winter. It would also be really hot in the summer. I need to ask a tree service guy. I bet he would know.
If I was a tree, though, I wouldn't want those tree service guys around, though. They would chop off all my arms. That might be a good thing, though. Then they wouldn't break off. Man, I have a lot of questions. Where are the tree service guys when you need them?
Have you decided yet? That's ok. I haven't either. I bet those guys that work for the tree service have already decided. They are like that.
The first thing you have to ask your self is where are you going to live? The type of tree I pick is going to be very different if I lived in Austin, Texas as opposed to Holland, Michigan. Michigan has lots of trees. Texas....well, I don't honestly know. But I do know that it is very hot and humid there. And since that is the case, maybe if I'm living in Austin I would want to be a tree that sheds it's leaves every fall. You know, so that I can be cooler. The thing is that it might be too cold during the winter. But I don't think so because I don't think that Texas gets that cold in the winter. On the other hand, if I was living in Michigan, I might want to be an evergreen. Evergreens are pretty, and they keep at least some of their needles all year 'round, so it would be nice and warm in the winter. It would also be really hot in the summer. I need to ask a tree service guy. I bet he would know.
If I was a tree, though, I wouldn't want those tree service guys around, though. They would chop off all my arms. That might be a good thing, though. Then they wouldn't break off. Man, I have a lot of questions. Where are the tree service guys when you need them?
My Traumatic Story
This is a crazy story, but I swear it's true. I swear.
On my eighth birthday I was involved in a school bus accident. No personal injury lawyers were present. It was a rainy morning in Iowa. There was mud everywhere. My brothers and I got on the school bus like normal, and we started the thirty minute drive to our least favorite destination: school. Our bus driver was old, so old that he had started driving buses when my grandpa was driving them for our school district. That was a long time ago. Our bus driver, we'll call him Bob, was kind of an old fart (in the kindest sense of the term) who liked to joke with us, and who was famous for yelling back to us from his driver's seat, "Get up again [against] the winda [window]". He was hilarious and we loved him.
So there we were, driving to school. Again I would like to emphasize that no personal injury lawyers were present. We were driving along a back gravel road, and I was just as happy as a clam because it was my birthday, after all. I had my bucket full of cookies, and that's all I really needed. Then, all of a sudden, our bus was on its side. My cookies were everywhere. Realize: there were no personal injury lawyers present. People were screaming, people were crying, there was some confusion. The high schoolers lifted us small kids up through the windows onto the side of the bus that was now pointing upward. Bob kicked out the front window and the high schoolers went out through there. We climbed down very carefully. Again, there were no personal injury lawyers present. Another bus came and took us to school, where we were given the option to go home or stay there. I stayed. It was my birthday, after all.
No one got hurt, except for one girl that cut her thumb on a window and Bob, who hurt his hip kicking out the windshield. I'm glad no personal injury lawyers were present; Bob was sad enough as it was.
Do things like this ever happen in Houston? Maybe I'll move there....
On my eighth birthday I was involved in a school bus accident. No personal injury lawyers were present. It was a rainy morning in Iowa. There was mud everywhere. My brothers and I got on the school bus like normal, and we started the thirty minute drive to our least favorite destination: school. Our bus driver was old, so old that he had started driving buses when my grandpa was driving them for our school district. That was a long time ago. Our bus driver, we'll call him Bob, was kind of an old fart (in the kindest sense of the term) who liked to joke with us, and who was famous for yelling back to us from his driver's seat, "Get up again [against] the winda [window]". He was hilarious and we loved him.
So there we were, driving to school. Again I would like to emphasize that no personal injury lawyers were present. We were driving along a back gravel road, and I was just as happy as a clam because it was my birthday, after all. I had my bucket full of cookies, and that's all I really needed. Then, all of a sudden, our bus was on its side. My cookies were everywhere. Realize: there were no personal injury lawyers present. People were screaming, people were crying, there was some confusion. The high schoolers lifted us small kids up through the windows onto the side of the bus that was now pointing upward. Bob kicked out the front window and the high schoolers went out through there. We climbed down very carefully. Again, there were no personal injury lawyers present. Another bus came and took us to school, where we were given the option to go home or stay there. I stayed. It was my birthday, after all.
No one got hurt, except for one girl that cut her thumb on a window and Bob, who hurt his hip kicking out the windshield. I'm glad no personal injury lawyers were present; Bob was sad enough as it was.
Do things like this ever happen in Houston? Maybe I'll move there....
Argyle Patterns
Once upon a time, I lived in Missouri. It was not so long ago. I went to school there, and I enjoyed it. While I was there, I had a friend. (Again, a shocker, I know.) This friend was slightly older than me. Ok, we was really older than me...she had kids that were about my age. (Why is it that I have a lot of friends that are so much older than me? Oh well.)
Anyway, I had this friend. She had a project. She wanted to paint every room in her entire house. Her painting ambitions included painting the living room, bathroom, all the kids' rooms, the dining room....I could go on and on. There was a lot of painting going on in that place. And her painting wasn't just one coat-one color painting. No....this was intense painting. There were vertical stripes and horizontal stripes and there was even one room that she was painting with an argyle pattern.
I helped her some with the painting. I really do like to paint. But after a while, I thought my arm was going to fall off. That woman must have had crazy strong arm muscles to be painting every day like that. End the end, it looked really nice, so I guess all that hard work paid off. Just don't ask me to do it. Unless I move to DuPage....
Thursday, September 16, 2010
PETA would not like my Buffalo Leather Jacket
I am from a part of the country where people wear animals. In my neck of the woods, PETA stands for People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, not People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Not that we mistreat our animals, we treat them kindly, we just like to eat our iron in the form of beautiful red meat. It will kill us, but we don't really care.
After we are done eating our animals, we like to take their skins and make clothing. It's an exciting way of life, I imagine, inventing new clothing that we can wear from animal skins. There are mink coats and cow leather pants and raccoon skin caps (didn't Davy Crockett wear one of those?) and now, something even more exciting has popped up...(drum roll, please)... the buffalo leather jacket. Now, doesn't that sound like a barrel of fun? You can even get one for your husband in the form of a buffalo men's jacket. Or for your favorite biker...call it buffalo leather biker gear and then you can say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" or maybe "Happy Kwanzaa"! (Whatever holiday you want to celebrate is fine. Though, I prefer Hanukkah, not because I'm Jewish, but because I've heard they get to celebrate for eight whole days. Eight days of celebrations? I'm all for it!) Or, if there is a little diva in your life, buy her a diamond plate leather jacket. It is sure to please. Just don't take it to a national level, you never know what PETA will say.
After we are done eating our animals, we like to take their skins and make clothing. It's an exciting way of life, I imagine, inventing new clothing that we can wear from animal skins. There are mink coats and cow leather pants and raccoon skin caps (didn't Davy Crockett wear one of those?) and now, something even more exciting has popped up...(drum roll, please)... the buffalo leather jacket. Now, doesn't that sound like a barrel of fun? You can even get one for your husband in the form of a buffalo men's jacket. Or for your favorite biker...call it buffalo leather biker gear and then you can say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" or maybe "Happy Kwanzaa"! (Whatever holiday you want to celebrate is fine. Though, I prefer Hanukkah, not because I'm Jewish, but because I've heard they get to celebrate for eight whole days. Eight days of celebrations? I'm all for it!) Or, if there is a little diva in your life, buy her a diamond plate leather jacket. It is sure to please. Just don't take it to a national level, you never know what PETA will say.
Once upon a time in storage land....
Once upon a time, I went to college. It was a good school and I enjoyed my time there. The worst part about school was knowing what to do with all my stuff in between semesters. Granted, there wasn't much of a problem during the Fall and Spring semesters as I never needed to move and the break was only a month long, but over the summer I would have to pack up all my stuff to put in storage. And putting it into storage was never easy. I would have to dig around to find boxes to use as storage containers, pack all my stuff and then try and figure out where to put all those blasted storage containers. In the end, I would take it up to my parent's house 75 miles away where we would dump it all in the storage shed or in the garage for the next few months. Sure, I'd pull my clothes out of the storage boxes so that I could wear the cute stuff, but other than that, they just sat there, collecting dust for a couple of months.
One break we got smart, though. I was rooming with a couple of girls and we decided that since we would be together the following year, we would just rent a mini storage unit for the summer. I was in charge of the payments, which ended up being fine, if I remember correctly. It wasn't very expensive so we just each paid for a month up front and then I would pay the company as time went on.
Now I'm an adult and it's not as cool to have a bunch of my stuff sitting at my parents house in storage. I still do, though. Tucker, GA is a long drive from here....
One break we got smart, though. I was rooming with a couple of girls and we decided that since we would be together the following year, we would just rent a mini storage unit for the summer. I was in charge of the payments, which ended up being fine, if I remember correctly. It wasn't very expensive so we just each paid for a month up front and then I would pay the company as time went on.
Now I'm an adult and it's not as cool to have a bunch of my stuff sitting at my parents house in storage. I still do, though. Tucker, GA is a long drive from here....
All the options
For the last few years, our nation has been economically sinking. The economy is horrible, I'm told. I don't really know, to be honest. I'm too young to really know what it was like when it was good. For me, it's always been the same deal: if I want something, I save all my money, and then I buy it. Or, I get money, buy things, want something else but don't buy it because I have no money. I've learned to live without a lot of things.
Evidently, there are people that aren't like me. There are people that have been buying things with money they don't have. I'm not talking about essentials, I'm talking about fancy cars and big houses and all new furniture when they graduated from college two months ago. I'm talking about the people that are looking for a bankruptcy lawyer right now because they just lost their job or they couldn't get a job in this economy that pretty much stinks. And their bankruptcy lawyer will talk to them, but they will generally end up filing for bankruptcy (which their bankruptcy lawyer will charge them for) and then their credit will stink for the next seven years at least. And that stinks even more.
I feel bad for these people, I really do. But before you call the bankruptcy lawyer (who is probably from some place like Melville, by the way), please consider your options....
Evidently, there are people that aren't like me. There are people that have been buying things with money they don't have. I'm not talking about essentials, I'm talking about fancy cars and big houses and all new furniture when they graduated from college two months ago. I'm talking about the people that are looking for a bankruptcy lawyer right now because they just lost their job or they couldn't get a job in this economy that pretty much stinks. And their bankruptcy lawyer will talk to them, but they will generally end up filing for bankruptcy (which their bankruptcy lawyer will charge them for) and then their credit will stink for the next seven years at least. And that stinks even more.
I feel bad for these people, I really do. But before you call the bankruptcy lawyer (who is probably from some place like Melville, by the way), please consider your options....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
And maybe, one day, an Animal Hospital
My family is kind of smart. Ok, there are members of my family that are really smart. I find it funny that I just typed smart and had to go back and correct it because I had written "smat". Maybe not all of us are smart. But anyway, I'm not trying to brag, but one brother is a lawyer, one is working on his masters in Civil Engineering and I have a sister that is going into some sort of plant hybreeding. I forget which one. I forget the plant type, not the sister.
I also have a brother that is going to be a veterinarian. This is crazy to me. He's smart for sure, but it's crazy to me that he's going to maybe work in an animal hospital or open his own practice or something. He's going to know the ins and outs of hundreds of different animal species. Ok, maybe not that many, but quite a few. The point is that he is going to have his hands in animals. IN animals. I can still remember the day that he told me that he had stuck his hands in a cow's stomach. Literally IN it's stomach, while it was still alive. The cow had a plug in its side. That wasn't in an animal hospital. He was in a labratory. Craziness.
It would be crazy cool if he had an animal hospital. Maybe in Henderson, Nevada.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)